It’s been a couple of weeks, maybe more, since I last blogged. It’s not been an easy time and things haven’t always gone the way I’d want them. Reflecting on what’s gone wrong, or right, recently has provided quite a bit of course materials to study and learn from. There isn’t any easy answers, no one thing that stands out that I can focus on that would bring sweeping change, instead there are lots of different little fronts for me to work on. Physiological, psychological and environmental.

Outside of running and training I spend the largest amount of time at work. My current project is within the bowels of the old American Embassy in Grosvenor Square. All of the work and the office is three floors underground. Everyday the ‘weather’ is the same. It’s a balmy 21 degrees with grey concrete walls and very little in the way of daylight and sun. I am not looking forward to the months when the nights draw in, when it’ll be dark when I get to work and dark when I leave. That’ll leave a small window at lunchtime to get any daylight at all. Without a doubt this is having a negative impact generally. I’d noticed my skin suffering, my mood becoming more sullen, quicker to spring to conflict rather than resolution. My energy levels constantly low and motivation very difficult to find. So, two weeks ago now I started taking supplements to address the symptoms as there is little I can do about the cause right now. A small cocktail of multi-vitamins, Vitamin D and Vitamin B12 have started to help me drag my psyche out of the mire it’s been in. The mood has begun to change and motivation and enjoyment of everything else outside of work is getting easier.

The training sessions have been difficult sometimes. Actually getting out to get them done, once I am there I tend to do the best I can but know I could always be doing better. Periods like this, when things aren’t going so well, feel like they are lasting forever. It becomes difficult remembering the last time I performed well and have a constantly increasing, gnawing, doubt that the goals I’m currently shooting for are within my reach. Why should I even bother with all this if the outcome is going to be failure. It is very easy to see how and why people quit sometimes. If it hadn’t just passed the two year anniversary of my first race with all the knowledge from all the different runs since then I’m sure I would have given up on this running lark myself a long time ago. Instead I know how wildly each day can vary.

I know a lot more now than I knew at the start, but that isn’t to say there aren’t lessons to be learnt from every session, from every block. A few months ago I enjoyed running home from work, getting sessions done in Hyde Park, not waiting until 19:30 for the club sessions. Club sessions I had previously enjoyed and asked Jenny to include in the training plan. These resent weeks I know I  going to be too tense straight after work to have anything remotely resembling motivation. These days I am better chilling at home, let the day fall away and head out around 18:30 for that days session. I know I won’t necessarily have any motivation to head out that door but am certain that somehow that’s what will happen. It’s habit now. As soon as I am walking briskly towards my starting point my mood changes. I am visualising the session and, if it’s hills or intervals, ruminating over the paces I want to be hitting.

There are times though, where I overthink or almost outwit myself. A recent long run on a Sunday was scheduled for 22km. The Ealing Half Marathon is soon, so makes sense to get some practice on the route doesn’t it? The other choice I had was running the Richmond Park HM with Runthrough. I wanted to get out and get it done early though, I didn’t want to wait until 09:30 to start. I also didn’t fancy running the same loop four times. So Sunday morning I was out the door before 08:00 with the intention of covering 2km to the start, complete the course and then maybe run the 2km home. A possible total of ~25km. I got to 18km and just ran out of steam, there was nothing left in the engine. At least that’s what it felt like. There was pretty much a warm up distance left and I threw in the towel. The distance I had for the remainder of the route had grown in my mind, it was insurmountable to my now illogical mind. I stopped. Leaving myself with a 60min walk home. When I’m out road running it seems I have built this definition of the run in my head that requires me to run it all, otherwise it’s a fail. When I fail it’s time to head home. As Jenny pointed on in the comments on that run, if I’d been trail running there would have been an automatic acceptance of taking a walk then running again. Something to work on.

The sessions keep going well though. I might have my doubts during the day or while I am getting ready to head out. Once I am out though, heading towards which ever point I have chosen to set off from, that all dissolves away. Im really enjoying the intervals and hills while the short east runs have been accepted as a necessary evil, less fun than a targeted session though. Just need to nail those long runs again. Less than 12 weeks to go now.